Signficance

15Nov09

So a friend of mine asked me a while ago about significant loves. She’s an aspiring therapist and was working on something for one of her books. (She plans to write a few during her time helping others…) Anyhoo, it wasn’t just me she quizzed, there was a group of her friends, family and the like that she sent this message to.

In the poll/quiz, my friend asked how many significant loves I’ve had. It took me a lot of time to sit down and think about it who has even been significant on an in general tip.

Of course I listed my first love/ real/ only relationship. He was definitely significant. He was my first everything. He was my EVERYTHING. Then he began to act distant which made me act distant and we eventually broke up.

After trying to be friends and getting back together only to break up less than a month later, I found of why he acted so distant (he was cheating) and of course I always thought something was wrong with ME. It’s what we do as women. But yeah, he was my first and probably only significant relationship I’ve ever had.

Because of him, I put my guard up and have just recently taken it down. He’s the reason I have trust issues (well he and my dad) why I never wanted to love and why I couldn’t get into another relationship. In short, he fucked me up in the head.

So, about 5 years ago (when we broke up the last time) I told myself that I wouldn’t love anytime soon… if ever again. That I wouldn’t care and that I wouldn’t let another man hurt me they way that he did.

I just would not.

Over the last 5 years, I’ve dated casually (some being exclusive) but I never named a puppy (gave a relationship a title). Recently the guy that I’m seeing asked me would I be his girlfriend and as he said the word all of the pain from my ex came back and I couldn’t bring myself to say yes.

Now I love him and he loves me but for some reason, the hurt just came right back like a ton of bricks. Hit.Me.Over.The.Head.

I couldn’t do it. I wanted to say yes so badly but, I couldn’t do it.

I know it made him upset which that is a very valid emotion considering how things panned out & for that I apologize. I’m working on doing better and I just hope he reads this to know that it wasn’t him it was one of those things that I’ve kept with me from my past that I’m working on letting go.

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Mars vs. Mars ?

13Nov09

Ok, I’m not a big Jay-Z fan like at all.  My boo is, a few friends are but me… never got into callin him the greatest. I respect him as a business cause well nobody is really touching him on that front but I’m more of a down south girl when it comes to rap. BURR. (yeah, I’m ignant.) But, on Blueprint 3, my favorite track is Venus vs. Mars. (not that I listened to all of the tracks cause I haven’t…)

Shawty get it in, daddy go hard

On to me and him…

We’re both Aries so that makes us both Mars tho I should be Venus in the traditional sense of it. You know women are from venus, men are from mars… but that’s not how it goes.

This mars turned venus is having a hard time coping with everything. I can’t get into the traditional venus shit. like at all.

I hits it from the back, Shawty like the front

I want to be venus but I’m so deeply rooted in my mars dominance that I just can’t lose control and boy do I want to lose control.

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Okay…

13Nov09

I’ve been doing far too much of the wrong stuff and not enough of the right stuff. I can officially admit it but now I need to work to change it. You all know Level 22 is my lively hood but I haven’t been into it like I should so now I’ve got to regain focus. I also have a main money maker now that is about to get hectic as it is the holiday season. I’m just trying to put life into perspective.

I need it together by 2010. I can’t go into another year with all this confusion in my mind, life, and head. I’m currently redoing my list of 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days as well as trying to focus on writing a few things for projects large and small. And then there’s my boo.

I’ve got to do better by him. He loves me and I love him back and well… he’s another blog post. (Don’t worry April, I’m writing it. )

But in short, I’m working on focus. I think I need someone in my life to delegate tasks to because I’m that person for everybody else and it’s just not working for me right now.

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young forever

24Oct09

this taught me that there is far too much songz on my computer… and d’angelo just plays when he wants to…

back to regularly scheduled blogging

MEME Rules:
1. put your itunes/ music player on shuffle
2. for each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER WHAT
After you’ve answered all of the questions, tag 5 other people and then let them know they’ve been tagged to do the meme themselves!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY?”, YOU SAY?
spanish joint – d’angelo

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
watching me – jill scott

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
what’s your name – free sol

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
maui wowie – kid cudi (i’m not high at all…)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
love lock down – songz remix

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
the line – d’angelo

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
untitled – d’angelo

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
sweet girl – dondria

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
feelin like money – songz (yuuup)

WHAT IS 2+2?
deep – songz

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
shit damn motherfucker – d’angelo (wowzers)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
lady love – letoya (“my swags incredible can you keep up with me tho”)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
brotha – jill scott(don’t let nobody hold ya control ya or mold ya)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
cakin witchu – dondria (lol i don’t cake)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
you’ve changed – some jazz mix

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
try again – aaliyah (sigh… think they want me to try again)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
if – destinys child (i’m soo dancing to ewf – september)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
venus vs. mars – jay z  (“Fell for the ponzi scheme, damn shawty just Made-off”)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
we need a resolution-aaliyah  (i do try to solve problems…)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
the greatest – tip ( I’m the greatest, ay, I’m the greatest)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
hottest thing- usher

WHAT SHOULD YOU POST THIS AS?
young forever – jay z

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Irritation

24Oct09

True Life: I’m irritated.

Not sure why. This irritation actually reminds me of when I was on depo (better known as effed up attitude central). Nothing is changing my mood. I can have something fantastic happen and about an hour later, I’m back in my mood.

I think I’m stressed out. Though most of the reasons that I’m stressed out are over and done, I still feel like I’m carrying a lot of it with me. I’ve prayed about each individual situation and I’ve given them to God but I’m not sure why I have this issue.

Could be because I have yet to give my attitude to him, but I think I’d like to know the root of is. Though the song has nothing to do with my situation these lyrics sum it up:

“Irritated, frustrated and third baby, this is so confusing”.

I just need some normalcy. Maybe that’s it. Probably not. Think I’m about to talk to the good man upstairs about this one.

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10.21.09

21Oct09

I’ll say, today was a good day. #thatisall

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Give it to me right…

17Oct09

So the other day, I was reading somebodys blog… not sure who but I came across Melanie Fiona. Didn’t know who she was but she’s pretty amazing. I downloaded her mixtape with Questlove and I keep singing Give it to me right.  So for those of you not familiar, check her out:

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Passion & Purpose

06Oct09

Last night I couldn’t stay asleep.

I’m not sure why, but I couldn’t. I feel asleep around 3. Was up again around 5:15, again at 6:30. And again at 10ish. I finally just got up out of my bed around noon. Crazy thing is, I didn’t have anything on my mind. At least not consciously.  Each time I woke up, I had thoughts of two people neither of them being myself. I know why one of them was on my mind the other, not so much.

So when I finally got up, I did my regular routine of catching up on my google reader to see what I missed out on last night. And I found a blog post about turning dreams into reality. Which is funny because that’s my business tagline but I’m not making it effective in my own life.

I’ve been trying to find ways to align my passion and my purpose. I have two passions helping people and writing. At least that’s what I see as my two passions. I’ve been falling short of asking God to show me what my purpose is. But I think today he placed a vision in front of me.

All day I’ve been trying to fall asleep since I tossed and turned all night and I haven’t been able to. I’ve been trying to hard to avoid it but it just keeps coming back so I guess it’s what I should be doing.

So I’m about to take my own advice for once and follow my passion and pray that it aligns with my purpose.

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Love & a Rainy Day

05Oct09

I’m going back to my first love, writing.

It’s been raining here in Memphis today (well yesterday) and I’m happy the rain came when it did. I was in a bad mood complete with a nasty attitude on Saturday and even though my boo tried to fix it, I couldn’t shake it.

I woke up this morning/afternoon. I missed church and have yet to catch a broadcast of anybody’s sermon but that will come later on in the week. Instead of a sermon, I had all types of ideas during the rain. I talked with my best friend about some of them — the ones that he could help me come to conclusions on — and others I just sat in bed and meditated on.

One of them was my love for writing. I can tell a story colorfully if given the chance. And, I’ve realized I’ve been wasting my talents this summer.

While in college, I always wanted to write but never had the time because I had school or a job or I needed to intern or have a social life or sleep. Now, I have no excuses. I work for myself, though I’m in school its online classes that isn’t consuming my time like a full time undergrad schedule was and I can easily turn my social life into time to write. So what’s my excuse now?

I don’t have one. So I decided to seek out some small magazines to write for. I’ve gotten a few replies back already so now I need to find my niche. I don’t want to write one type of piece all the time but I think it may be easier for me if I become Artieka, the beauty writer or something to that degree. Then I’ll know what my focus is and promote myself accordingly.

And who said great things don’t come from rainy days?

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Yup, Still here

30Sep09

Yup.

I’m still around. Looking into these drafts that are months old and wondering when I’ll feel the need to make them into posts. This one about Karma makes me want to revisit it. I began writing that post way back in May. I think I’m actually gonna go back and re-read the inspiration that caused me to draft it in the beginning… not that my life isn’t full of representations of all kinds of karma.

Blah. Anyhoo, this is to say that I will eventually have something to tell her. Soon. Real soon.

Maybe, I should start the post about titles as well. He’ll enjoy that one.

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