Epiphany

19Dec09

Today I had an epiphany. I had two talks last night. Two different lads and both ended up saying the same thing. Well not exactly but what I got from them both is that I’m afraid.

I am afraid.

There, I admitted it. Fear has consumed me on the front of relationships. I’m not sure why I’m still afraid because I know in my mind the worst that could happen is that I’d end up alone. What is so bad about that? I’m comfortable in the skin I’m in and I’m used to being my own company. Actually, I think I’m the best company I could ever ask for.

I grew up as an only child. My brother by my mom being 12 years older than me and my brother and my sister by my dad lived with their own mothers. My mother spent a lot of time working so I was used to being alone. Sadly, I think that my comfort in being alone has now become my refuge. If I don’t want to talk about or deal with something, I make alone time. It’s just easier that way. Plus, I can’t disappoint myself.

Maybe that’s it. I’ve been disappointed. But what woman, man or child hasn’t? I understand that disappointment is a part of life but why does it keep happening to me?